Do you always see yourself praying the same sin? Asking the same forgiveness to God? Yeah, that is my current situation and is really tiring.
I am praying to Him every time to forgive me for practicing homo actions. Wait let me give you a good introduction. I’m a man and I’m turning 18 and a Christian. I always see myself praying the same sin! Oh God can you still hear me? because I’m saying the same prayer!
Yes, He still hears me, my cry when I cannot speak to pray. I wanted to have a Christ centered family when I was a kiddo and even up to now, but I choose to be single because I am afraid, afraid of what? Afraid of being in a relationship. I am afraid to have commitment. As I have said earlier I practice homo actions, yeah that’s an abomination to God.
I don’t know when it all started, but all I know is that I grew up with a burden, a secret burden. I have my church ministry, but I always make sure that I prayed and asked for forgiveness to God before I do church ministry and serve Him. I sing well, I lead the people to sing at church and people are always saying that I am good at it but there’s something in me that is missing, being transparent to God. There was a time I watch porns after Sunday service, I’ve watched all categories of pornographies, yeah, I did that, I enjoyed myself watching gay pornos, and even lesbian pornos because I still have the man in me but I know it’s not right.
Let me back track here. My brother, we were so close before, and as we grew up, he didn’t let me enjoy being in his company, I had few friends before high school because we were always at the same school. And he always isolates me with his friends, I was a chubby pig kid hahaha, but I don’t consider my brother a jerk because he’s my brother and at the end of the day we are in the same house.
And I had this mindset that boys are not good friends, so don’t you try to be friends with them because I thought boys are jerks, I thought they’re like my brother that will make fun of me. but don’t worry I don’t have any probs with my brother. But I was wrong, I had many boy group troops, because my brother and I weren’t in the same school. So, the story continued like that.
I do like girls but have a lil feelings for boys, but I know it’s only temporary and short because every time I think about being in a relationship with a woman, it’ll be lifetime. But I always seek and ask for forgiveness to Him to be more like Jesus.
These past few weeks I tried to find friendships online, and I called them international friends and satisfied myself and then one day I just felt that there’s something missing with me, Oh no! I forgot God! I tried to find satisfactions, friendships and pleasures over online and I forgot that I already have one. I’m very sorry Lord for attempting to search and to offer friendships that I forgot you. Amen.
So, my prayers were like that and after disconnecting myself from my international friends, I felt alone, because I tried to offer friendships to people and I know that will be temporary, and then I prayed again, I prayed for holy spirit to dwell in me. And I’ll do my best not to do it again because it’s too dangerous, for my opinion.
Also Read:
- Understanding God: He is Quick and Dispassionate
- The Benefits of Wisdom: Exceeding Expectations
- When the Doors are Closed Against You
- Delivered from Pedophilia
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