I Wanted a Bigger God Than My Hindu Guru Offered

Our denomination had a guru, Guruji, who claimed to personify God himself. Whatever he said and did was regarded as divine. In 1988, when I was 16, he came to the London temple and watched me give a speech on ancient Hindu scripture.

Afterward, as I went to bow at Guruji’s feet, he said, “You have a great gift of speaking.” He invited me to become a swami, or Hindu priest, and join his movement. Immediately, my heart leapt, buoyed by a sudden rush of purpose and power.

One time in Rome, though, I stumbled onto something so authentic that it made me question this life of fame and success. I was sitting in the Sistine Chapel underneath Michaelangelo’s painting of the Last Judgment. I was already blown away by the artistry of the church, but the depictions of Jesus were especially striking. Thus began a secret fascination with the person of Jesus. During my travels, my eyes would find the cross of Christ almost instinctively.

Upon landing in Mumbai, I learned that Guruji was upset at my change in theology. He wanted to curtail my influence by sending me to remote villages in India. For the first time, I dared to resist, and a tense debate followed. Finally, with a deep sigh, I told Guruji I wanted to leave the priesthood.

Silence froze the room. After what felt like an eternity, Guruji exclaimed, “Fine! Go! Wherever you want to go, just go!”

I didn’t know where I would go, as my parents had moved away from London. A Hindu friend took me into his hotel in the city’s South Kensington neighborhood. Disappointed and hurt, I parked the whole idea of God and began searching for a job.

Weeks later, however, I was strolling down a road, lost in thought, when suddenly I saw a beautiful church. It was Sunday morning. As I entered the main door, God’s presence fell on me like a comforting blanket. At the same moment, I heard another unmistakable whisper saying, You are home.

I went upstairs and sat in a pew. I enjoyed the worship, and the sermon strangely made sense to me. I left the church with an excitement I couldn’t articulate. On that day, my heart said yes to Jesus, and I gave him my life.

I quickly realized, however, that I needed to undergo a lot of detox, both spiritually and emotionally. One of the hardest lessons early on was learning to rest in God’s love. As a Hindu priest, I had been accustomed to thinking I could only please God through spiritual effort. The transition from religion to relationship was very uncomfortable but beautifully rewarding.

By grace alone, I have come a long way in a short while. I am thankful that Jesus healed me from shame, guilt, resentment, and anger. Most of all, I am thankful that he kept knocking on the door of my heart, patiently, until it finally swung open.