I am a people pleaser, and I have spent my whole life trying to find acceptance. For example, when I was in year 3, I had a friend who would get me to go to the canteen to buy her food. Every day, I would go to the canteen and line up to buy her food to bring back to her. Even though in the back of my mind, I knew she was using me, I still did it because I craved her approval.
I loved it when she said things to me like, “You are the kindest person I know.” But I knew in my heart of hearts that this was not a genuine
relationship. I kept looking for a friend who would truly accept me for who I was. I made many friends in primary school, but I did not feel like anyone truly accepted me. They would often let me down. I often found myself dreaming of making new friends in high school who would love me for who I was. The one area of my life I especially tried to achieve my mission was in my relationship with God. I longed for God to accept me.
For example, during one church camp in year 5, they had this gospel talk where they asked us to raise our hands if we wanted to believe in Jesus. I raised my hand and a youth leader came to me. She told me that all I had to do was to “pray the prayer” and God would accept me. We prayed this prayer together and after we finished, she told me that the angels in heaven were celebrating. But on the inside, I wasn’t celebrating. I still had
lingering doubts. I didn’t feel any different. I didn’t feel any more accepted by God than I had before. So later that night, I went back to my room and prayed the same prayer again, word for word, trying to make sure that I genuinely meant every single word.
Then I prayed the same prayer again just to be sure. I did this several times. I wanted God to know that I really meant it. I thought the prayer must have been some sort of magic formula, but somehow I didn’t feel like it was working. I believed in Jesus, but how could I know for sure that God had really accepted me? I didn’t feel like I deserved His love. But the problem with looking for acceptance, especially from God, is deep down
you’re never sure if you’ve found it. For example, in year 10, my whole world came crashing down. My aunt had been diagnosed with advanced breast cancer.
Mum brought me along to Malaysia to visit her. I would sit by her bedside every day, reading her Bible passages and talking to her. It was awful watching someone you love suffer like that. Within a few weeks, she passed away. She was the first person close to me who had died. Her death triggered a whole lot of doubts in my mind. While I took comfort in the fact that she was now with Jesus and no longer in any pain, I really struggled with God. I questioned whether I was a Christian just because that was what my parents believed. I mean if I’d been brought up in a Buddhist home, I’d be Buddhist or if I was brought up as a Jew, I’d be a Jew, right? I questioned if Jesus really was the only way to be accepted by
God. But more than that, my old doubts started to rise up in me.
Did I believe in Jesus ENOUGH to be accepted? Did I have enough faith to win God’s approval? Did God even love me? This was one of the darkest times in my life. I went back to Australia after my aunt’s funeral. Almost as soon as I got back, I called my best friend. I thought a chat with her would make everything better. But she didn’t seem to understand or even really care about what I was going through. During this time, I lost my motivation for life and everything that I used to care about didn’t seem to matter anymore. I stopped trying hard at school, I didn’t feel like going out with my friends and I stopped trying to please everyone around me. Even my best friend seemed to have abandoned me.
And at the core of it all, I was consumed by my doubts about God. But that’s when I asked my youth leader for advice. She reminded me that it is God’s grace in the first place that saves us. God is the one who graciously gives us the faith to believe in Jesus. I needed to come to God just like a little child needing her Father. I needed to realise that it didn’t matter how would faithfully carry me through.
When I realised this, it was such a relief! That’s when I knew for sure that I am accepted by God. It’s not because of anything I have done, but
it’s because of everything God has done. He’s the one who sent Jesus to bring me forgiveness. God accepts me completely and unconditionally on the basis of what Jesus has done and welcomes me into His arms. He loves me so much that He would send Jesus to die for me. This has made such a big difference in my life. I don’t have to keep striving for other people’s approval, because I know that I’m already accepted by God. I don’t have to worry about what other people think of me. I know that people will let me down from time to time. But God is faithful and won’t ever let me down. I am so thankful that He loves me unconditionally and accepts me because of what Jesus has done.
He is the friend I have always been looking for and I know that when I talk to Him, He is always there to listen. He is my heavenly Father who holds me in His arms. I’m not saying that life is perfect now. I still struggle with wanting people’s approval. I often find myself worrying about what other people think of me. For example, when I started as a high school teacher, it would really get to me when students didn’t like me. Or even now, I often find myself thinking back on a conversation with someone and wondering what they thought of me.
But the difference with my life now is that I am sure of God’s love, forgiveness and acceptance. He accepts me despite all of my insecurities and fears, and He is slowly changing me as I learn to trust Him more and more. Ultimately, I know that it isn’t what other people think of me that counts, but it’s what God thinks of me. And nothing in the world can stop Him from loving me.
Also Read:
Devotional
Why You Should Not Give Up Yet (1)
Inspirational
A Lesson in Success and Self Preservation
Testimonies
He Offered Me Peace and Safety
