My Journey From Death to Life
It has taken 7 years for me to sit down and write this. This is painful and I am not proud of these things but feel compelled to tell what has happened to me and why I am who I am today. As a teenager, I began taking drugs and drinking alcohol with the rest of my friends, while my Mom was distracted with working and trying to raise 3 kids.
At 17, she couldn’t handle my brother and me any longer and sent us back to Texas to live with my father and stepmother. I can’t speak for them, but I can only imagine the shock they must have been in and the struggles they must have had with two teenagers on their hands and with no warning!
After high school, I moved back to Tennessee and was attending college when I met and married Shay’s dad. After having Shay, I had severe post-partum depression. It was so bad that I had to be hospitalized, but 6 months later, I was better and able to start nursing school at UT Knoxville. Still somewhat depressed, I poured myself into being a mother and student, but I was not happily married, and something was not right. The problem was not him; it was me.
We went snow skiing just before graduation and on that trip, I had a knee injury and needed surgery. That is when I was introduced to painkillers and they didn’t just make the physical pain more tolerable, but the emotional pain as well. Gradually, I became addicted to the point of needing them daily in increasing amounts just to function. I was unsuccessful after many, many attempts at stopping for any length of time on my own. Over about 4 years, I was in and out of drug rehabs and was hospitalized several times for psychological problems related to addiction.
After being released from the hospital in 2003, I decided I wanted a divorce and went back to Texas to be with my family. Just after the quick divorce was final, I was in a near-fatal car accident and was on life support for three days due to a severe head injury.
A few weeks later, the reality of my circumstances at the time came crashing down on me and it was unbearable. There I was, still somewhat confused from the head trauma and I am realizing I am divorced and stuck in Texas with my daughter in Tennessee. I had no home, no money, no car, no job, and could not even work in my profession due to severe memory loss from the head trauma, which I did not know at the time was only temporary.
Deep depression sank in quickly. I never thought I could ever get to a point where I would even consider taking my own life, but I was there. The question suddenly was not if, it was how. Some say suicide is the most selfish thing anyone could do, but in my depressed, confused, and hopeless mind, it was the right thing. I thought everyone would be better off without me, especially my daughter. So, I set out to do the unthinkable. I found 3 full bottles of prescription muscle relaxers and sedatives. I knew that the combination of 2 of them would be lethal but grabbed the third to be certain I would not fail.
I sat there for a long while with them in front of me. Mom was gone for the night and my sister was not due home until much later. I had not prayed in years but felt the need in that moment. I bowed my head and prayed this one simple prayer that somehow, I remember exactly. It was,
“Lord, I can’t do this anymore. I’m through hurting myself and everyone around me. I want to come home”.
After taking the entire contents of all 3 bottles, I turned the lights off and crawled into bed, so I didn’t alarm anyone, just in case they came home early.
Suddenly, I felt an urgency to explain this to my baby. I didn’t get more than a few sentences down before losing consciousness and collapsing. My sister came home early, miraculously, and if she had been just a few minutes later, I would have been dead. I spent the next few days in intensive care, again on life support, yet I have no memory of it.
The first thing I remember was awakening in a hospital room with my Daddy standing over me, obviously holding back tears. Barely able to speak from the trauma of having tubes shoved down my throat, I whispered,
During one of my brief periods of sobriety, I clearly remember the confusion of not being sure of anything and not knowing which way to go religiously speaking. I knew 2 things: 1) There was a God and 2) I was not Him. So, I prayed for Him to make it clear to me and show me how to live, but my addiction became active again and my mind and heart were blocked as a result.
Since I have entrusted my life to Him, He has proven Himself faithful, even when I am not. He is All that He says He is, and I am so grateful that He intervened so I could acknowledge my need for Him and spend the rest of my days with this awesome, surreal sense of His Presence with me. His Holy Spirit comforts me just as He promised it would when I trust Him. The moment I begin focusing on problems and myself, I loosen my grip on His hand, but He gently squeezes and after I return my attention to Him, He raises me above my circumstances. Jesus said,
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