From a young age, I was relatively introverted and expressed myself poorly. When interacting with strangers, I didn’t have much courage to speak, and when I was around a lot of people, I felt very nervous. I was always afraid that I wouldn’t express myself clearly and would make a fool of myself.
Because of this, I often felt inferior to others. In August of 2023, the church arranged for me to water newcomers. Doing this duty required me to frequently gather with newcomers, and I also had to communicate with the other watering personnel. Facing such situations, I frequently felt nervous, and feared that when it was my turn to fellowship, I wouldn’t speak clearly, and then what would the brothers and sisters think of me?
A few days later, it was the day of a gathering, and the person in charge called me and urged me to participate. Even though I wasn’t leading the gathering, I still struggled internally. I was afraid that if I went and was asked to fellowship, I wouldn’t say anything, and that it would be the greatest humiliation. I didn’t have the courage to participate.
For several days after that, I felt like I had a rock stuck in my heart and couldn’t breathe. Even though I had avoided that day, would I be able to keep avoiding it forever? I thought that maybe I truly was not suited to do watering duties, but when I thought of giving up, I reproached myself and felt that I owed God.
Reading God’s words, I understood that if I were articulate, very good at expressing myself, and able to easily control all sorts of situations, being the centre of attention and held in esteem by others, then I would certainly be pleased with myself and delirious with joy.
Because I am not skilled at expressing myself, I am able to rely on and look to God in the midst of difficulties, as well as see my own weaknesses and incompetency, my insignificance and ineloquence, and therefore, I don’t dare to be too haughty. I was so obsessed with reputation and status, yet I was inarticulate and bad at expressing myself. I had such great flaws but cared so much about what others thought of me.
If I were a smooth talker, I would only become increasingly arrogant, and think that I was better than everyone, like Satan. God hugely protected me by not giving me the skill of being a good talker!
After this, when we took turns being in charge of gatherings, I no longer chose to evade. I knew that by leading the gatherings, I could train and improve my self-expression, make up for what I lacked, and do my duty well, so I asked God to give me faith and strength. I wouldn’t focus on what others thought of me; it would be enough for me to give free rein to what God gave me originally, and to what I can achieve myself. When it was my turn to fellowship, I calmly fellowshiped on what I understood, and also expressed some things that I hadn’t prepared to; I was no longer constrained by my pride.
Experiencing this, I knew that it was not being ineloquent that made me depressed and in pain, but rather my pursuit of reputation and status. Being inarticulate and expressing oneself poorly is a shortcoming of humanity, but it is not a deadly illness.
