I’ve always wanted to be spiritual, but I have trouble believing things,” I said, smiling nervously at the robe-clad Zen Buddhism teacher. We were sitting together in a small room for a one-on-one conversation about my Zen meditation practice.
He chuckled. “So, I guess Zen is perfect for you.”
The year was 2011, and I was 36 years old. I had been practicing Zen Buddhism for three years and had traveled to Kentucky to attend my first meditation retreat, a weekend event held at a Zen center near Lexington. The retreat schedule was tough. We sat in meditation from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m., broken up by short periods of walking meditation, meals, and chores. Everything was to be done in silence.
Zen was the latest chapter in my lifelong spiritual quest. That quest had begun during my teenage years, when I realized that my Hindu ancestry—passed down by Indian immigrant parents—need not dictate my own faith. As I became aware of alternative belief systems, I realized that I was an agnostic: I honestly didn’t know what to believe. So I dropped the Hindu label and committed to discovering for myself the ultimate truth.
Growing up in Houston, I learned the basics of Christianity through friends and neighbors. I also spent part of my childhood in the United Kingdom, where Christian prayer, hymns, and sermons were part of regular school activities. My Hindu parents always spoke respectfully about Christian beliefs. They would go (and encourage me to go) to church with friends when invited.
But it wasn’t until I got to college that I came to know Jesus through my evangelical Christian friends. I observed how their faith gave them peace and strength during difficult times. And every time I heard about God’s far-reaching love for us, demonstrated through Christ’s sacrifice, I wanted to weep. But while my heart was ready to take the leap, my inner skeptic—the stubbornly agnostic, somewhat smart-alecky part of my brain—held me back.
In my late 20s, I joined a church with the hope of nurturing the seeds of faith that lay dormant within me. During that time, there were moments when I truly did embrace what the Bible says about Jesus. But inevitably, my inner skeptic would pipe up with its doubts, and I would find myself backtracking to appease it. It’s more plausible that Jesus was just a great teacher, and that the Resurrection is just a metaphor, I’d tell myself. And I don’t need to accept all of Scripture, only the parts that resonate with me.
Frustrated but still determined, I started making plans to attend a month-long Zen retreat in the fall of 2020. I figured I just needed my monkey mind to shut up long enough for me to finally catch a direct glimpse into the ultimate truth—and I was convinced that a month of silent meditation ought to do it.
But that wasn’t God’s plan.
When the world shut down in 2020, the retreat was canceled. As the fear and isolation of the following months brought me to the brink of a mental health crisis, something shifted profoundly within me. I found comforting Bible verses floating through my mind. I found myself inexplicably drawn in by Christian videos I found online, including a Max Lucado bible study. Frustrations with Zen aside, I didn’t feel I was being drawn away from Zen as much as I was being drawn toward Jesus.
I spent the summer and fall of 2020 exploring online and outdoor church services. That Christmas, I was ready: I fully committed my life to Jesus. It was the spiritual breakthrough I had hoped to get from the month-long Zen retreat, better than anything that I could have imagined—and it was done God’s way, not my way.
As further evidence that God uses all things for good, my detour through Zen has solidified my faith in Jesus. My inner skeptic, having finally learned that its radical agnosticism is a dead end, was done trying to run the show. While doubts still arise, I no longer stay stuck in them. Instead, I come back to what my heart knows: Jesus is the Son of God and Savior of the world, not just a great teacher. The Resurrection is not just a metaphor. And no part of Scripture is optional.
Also Read:
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Nehemiah’s Leadership Playbook: Dealing with Haters
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Don’t Act Like An Elephant!
Testimonies
I Studied Christianity with the Hope of Debunking It
