Trapped in my own mental prison where I couldn’t get out.
Since very young, I had this habit. It more and more eerily began to represent masturbation as I grew up and continued with it. However, I didn’t know what I was doing. It just relieved stress and brought a little pleasure so I did it.
I remember my parents had a fallout when I was young. My brain couldn’t comprehend it. After a while, I thought I just got over it and toughened up.
When I was young, I also remembered having “lovers”, which whom I did my fantasies with. I just combined my habit and some stuff I learnt through classmates such as kissing to simulate me with my lovers.
Though I never knew the meaning of it, I was counted lesbian at that time in a way, because one of my lovers at one point of time was a female, and my fantasies of her were downright disgusting. I also had my own world where I could be the main character. I sung all day at school, living in this delusional world, while everyone though I was weird, and I sunk more and more into loneliness.
Anyways, moving on, when I graduated from elementary school, middle school me hated elementary school me for being unpopular, having no friends, and needing coping methods. I thought that I should be more self-sufficient and able, and be more mature than singing.
Essentially, after the loneliness accumulated, I began to believe that I was unloved and never was going to be accepted unless I altered my behaviour to be like everyone else.
I met a true friend called G, but that was about it. I began to hang out with the cool kids, cursing and swearing as I loved losing control of myself and just hurling mindless insults towards others. I loved going “high” without drugs by feeling exhilarating emotions. For a while, that numbed the pain.
I was living the atheist life. I am self-sufficient, I thought. I don’t need to care about death, I thought. If it comes I’ll just brave through it.
Suddenly, lots of symptoms began to pummel on me for no reason. God was like “wake up!!” at that point. I tried optimistic nihilism, still convinced that anyone who believes in a hope after this life is just dreaming.
Then, it was the school holidays. There went my coping method of going “high” with friends. I sunk deeper and deeper into porn as I gave in twice a day. I had watched videos about how short life is. God showed me a video about dementia, as well as an innocent looking video game called Omori which actually was really dark.
That got me out of my coping life again. I questioned everything but refused to believe in God. I researched about Him but thought “oh yeah let’s add this to my list of coping methods… And then once everything normal I will go back to my normal life.” I tried distracting myself with tons of hobbies such as dancing, singing, voice acting, piano, music, going random places even. I thought all these would give me a sense of purpose and rid of my addiction. I was wrong. Streaks, paper reminders, phone notifications, watching videos for tactics to break out, fasting from social media and Internet. I tried it all. But each time, I failed to break out of masturbation. I felt the desperation grow inside of me as my supposed “I can do it all” and “screw morals and rules, I wanna be free” mindset crumbled.
I realised I was trapped. Trapped in my own mental prison where I couldn’t get out.
On the outside, I looked like I was freaking prospering and doing so much meaningful things as an atheist. But no, it was the opposite. I was hiding my struggles and pain. I wanted to die but was too scared of death. I didn’t want anyone to know as I was desperately clinging on to their positive opinions of me that I maintained with a masquerade as my last source of recognition. If I told them… Their positive opinions of me… Would be gone… And what would they do? Send me to rehab? Get the police? A halfway house? A mental institution? I didn’t want any of these. I was trapped.
Then I realised, God was worth trying. Not because I finally came to my senses. Because I was at my wits end. This was the one thing I didn’t try.
One day after all this I woke up and felt a barrage of intrusive thoughts. I didn’t do anything. Just woke up and there it was. I tried to fight but it was futile. I collapsed onto the bed. Then, I asked God to help me. Instantly, I woke up.
I kept on bombarding my agnostic dad with testimony of God coz I wanted to please God and that was “the next step” to please God. I felt like I had no more next steps to do. Then school reopened. I had accepted Jesus as Lord and Saviour already. I wanted to help Him. I asked Him for a sign and for me to help Him.
School reopened. I was completely changed. I stopped swearing. I no longer felt the need to attention-seek. I could be myself.
Also Read:
Devotional
Purpose: Sent to Declare God
Inspirational
Five Rules to Be Happy
Testimonies
For Too Long I Identified Myself Through My Past Experiences
